Sunday, February 16, 2014


Since my cat has passed, I've found myself sitting, watching TV, remembering the last time I saw my cat in the arms of the person who would put him to sleep and crying my eyes out.  I look around the apartment where he used to eat and drink from his bowls in the kitchen, where he used to sleep on the couch and remembering him on my lap.  When will this end?  It's been six months of crying on and off and wonder if I'm one of those people who will never get over my cat who passed away.  Since when have I turned into this person?  I've always been strong or maybe just didn't care that much about any person, for that matter, to cry about their passing.  I never cried or even cared that much about family members or close friends who have died.  What's wrong with me, I ask myself.

I believe this cat is the closest, most loving thing I've ever known in my lifetime that is making me feel and act the way that I've been.  Silly, but true.

Now I've seen a shadow near my hallway twice of a black cat for a split second.  Is it a shadow or what?  This is crazy and I told a woman here at our apartments that walks her dog around the complex.  She said it took her five years to get her dog after her last dog died.  She agreed that weird things in your mind and daily life are crazy and you think maybe you're going crazy.  So it isn't just me, I asked her.  She said definitely not.  I know, at least I think I know, all of this will end eventually, but for now, not happening.

I keep hoping I will dream of my cat, but never do.  It's funny, but I never dreamed of him when he was living.  Weird.

When I walk by the pet department at Walmart, I don't want to get even near it.  I don't want to think I'm going crazier by looking at the food prices, litter prices, leashes and toys.  Instead, I wander closer to the food aisles and stay there just to pass the time and if anything catches my eye, I grab it.  I know this is a terrible way to live, but I'm afraid if I meet up and talk to somebody, I'll start crying.  Even writing this blog, I'm a crying mess.

When I watch TV and see that very sad ad about donating to the SPCA, I change the channel because I can't bear to see an animal face, especially sad ones, which I believe they have searched for the saddest animals and putting them in the ad whether or not they truly have met with abuse in their lives; at least that's what I want to truly believe. 

I got my pet security deposit back from the apartment complex, without interest.  I questioned the main office about this and they said they didn't have to give me interest on the pet deposit, only the deposit for the apartment which I gave them when I moved in.

I try to divert my depression into things to look forward to.  A trip to Yellowstone, going through Utah, seeing Brice and Canyonlands National Parks.  I've already seen Zion with a motorhome group when I had my motorhome, and then continuing on to Colorado through Grand Junction and Gunnison and up along the western Rocky Mountains on into Wyoming and possibly going up to Montana.  I may go to Alturas, California in the meantime, just to see their wildlife/bird sanctuary habitat and just to check out the area.  It's only about a six hour ride and a good enough trip for a few days anyways.  Again, I need the diversion in my life.

I was planning on going to the high school track today, but it rained considerably last night and so I'll just take a walk on the bike path.  Need some air and to clear my head.

There hasn't been much going on with my organizations.  People have dropped out of being leaders and the weather has been so rainy, trips have had to been cancelled.  Everything seems to be drying up around here, except my eyes.

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