SEARCHING, Part 1

I’ve fallen in love many many times only to have my heart broken again and again.  It was just the anticipation of finding that companionship and love.  It was the excitement of seeing those eyes and the beauty and love from within.

I keep getting my heart broken.  Why do I constantly do this to myself?  I must be stupid to know all of this going out of my way will do no good.  No amount of driving, entering a noisy room with so much activity around, so many eyes staring back at me upon my entrance, and yet, just maybe, there will be the one that I’ll choose.  Maybe he will choose me.  But I have to do it.  I have to take that long ride and scout out those places where many have come to find companionship and love, although maybe, not at first site.  Maybe I’ll have to come back once or twice, play those silly games, spend time with him in a secluded or noisy room or out on a grassy park like setting talking. 

I know I’ll be the one doing most of the talking.  I’d talk about what I’d like out of this relationship, what I expect from him in this relationship.  And when we finish communicating, I’ll be the one to decide his future and relationship with me.  Will we be going out of this building together, one on one, or will I be leaving alone on good terms, but a not so happy heart.

I see many I’d like to spend, hopefully, the rest of my life with, but that’s highly unlikely since I’m up there in my years.  But maybe in the next few days will prove I’ve been right all along or maybe, again I’ll be wrong. 

Where shall I go first?  Shall I drive to the furthest place I looked up on the internet and work my way home?  Or should I start with my first stop closest to home?  Maybe I’ll get lucky on my first stop and save money on gas and be able to go out for a lovely outside patio lunch with my new friend.  My treat, of course.  Maybe we’ll just go for ice cream at the ice cream store down the road from that first stop.  How convenient.  Do these people who own this Foster Freeze know people will be meeting these strangers in this building close by and have a public outside place to have a cone or cup of soft ice cream. 

My new friend will only eat vanilla.  Of course, he has a terrible response to chocolate.  Of course, our first difference.  I’m a chocoholic and he’s not.  There you go again, Buffy.  You haven’t even met him yet and you see the ending to this whole relationship.

Maybe I shouldn’t go.  Maybe I should go birding, hiking, plein air painting, take my camera birding or walk the bike/hike trail.  Maybe I’ll take my bike out for a spin.  I haven’t been working on my speed or distance very much this winter.  Come on, come on, Buffy.  Get that nerve up.  Walk into those places like you own them and you’ll share the companionship that walks out with you.  Maybe, just maybe…